Fear!

Fear

Fear is something I face everyday as an artist, especially at the turning point I'm at within my career. I'm soon to be 33 years old, in a committed relationship but technically still single by law, no kids, finishing up my bachelor degree and planning to change my career focus within the next two years!!! I'm not just scared... I'm terrified if you want the truth! Terrified that I've wasted my time going back to school. What if my career takes off as a makeup artist and I never get the chance to focus on the shows and movies I want to produce? What if my producing takes off and the man I plan to marry decides it's too much for him to handle or that having kids is no longer an option with such a busy lifestyle? 

Then there is the other fear I have of SUCCESS! I was called a few weeks ago by my mentor to go work on a film and I turned it down!!! Not because I was afraid of doing the movie, but because I was afraid to call out from work that day! I had been off for 4 days prior to that call and I was afraid If I took the risk of calling out and my job found out I pretended to be sick to go work on a film, I would be fired! The thought of losing my regular job to go to my dream job scared me and thinking about it now, I have no clue as to why? Maybe it's because my dream job is a gamble when it comes to steady pay and until I graduate I need stability to maintain myself. Now mind you, my regular job falls into the category of my dream job of working in the entertainment industry. Only problem is the company I work for is retail based and they could care less about you working on anybodies film or tv show unless they are getting the credit. So me taking the risk of showing up on that set and running into someone who could report back to my job scared me and I turned it down. I guess my question to myself is: If you plan to work outside of this company after graduation and to go back full time in the film/tv industry after graduation... Why not risk it all for your dreams?  

To be honest I don't know what choices I will make in the end of it all, I want the whole pie! I want to graduate next Spring, get married, have a baby, quit my job and stay at home for two years while taking on film projects as a makeup artist until my child is old enough for daycare, and then start producing my first tv project. Is it possible? Absolutely! Is a guarantee to happen in that order if at all? I can't answer that, but I know I'm going to keep working towards it. I've achieved everything I've wanted in my career and life thus far so I figure couldn't hurt striving for the heavens even if I only reach the clouds! 

What's my Relationship with Anger?

Its funny because I was setting up this blog entry I was checking my Instagram page and saw a post from a fellow makeup artist and its a joke that all artist that work for the same company as myself  would only understand but it immediately made me angry thinking about the reason for the post and how it will trigger all the artist I tagged it to. Strangely I am sitting here realizing maybe my anger isn't as much in check as I would like it to be when it comes to certain aspects of my life as I would like. I know over the last 10 years I tend to get angry very easily compared to my turning point in 2004 which is when I never used to show anger prior to that year.

In order for me to explain where the change happened I would have to go back to my childhood. Most of my life I never showed anger because I was never encouraged to, I was always told by my mom to keep your "Mouth shut" and I don't necessarily think she meant it in the way I interpreted as a child when I was chastised for being bad or in the wrong. I think I took it as I don't have the power as a child to express my opinion about my feelings. So for years I bottled all my anger and never said anything, especially when my father died in a work related car accident... I shut down all emotions from the age of 11-23. It caused me to alter the way I thought of my appearance and who I was as a person in this world. Honestly the only time I released any emotions was through performance and my creative outlets. Which is why I think I fell so passionately in love with the entertainment industry as a whole. I was able to take myself out of the equation and become someone else or create a character that lived out my anger or happiness without me actually having to live out the experience of the results from it myself. 

It wasn't until I went to talk with someone about my hidden anger because I almost caused myself to be released from work due to high blood pressure from built up stress. When I finally released all my years of anger, stress, concerns, and even happiness that I was holding back from the world and especially myself... I finally became who I am still working on today. And strangely while I said at the beginning of this post that I get angry easily in certain areas of my life... I'm glad that I do because I now know how to address them head on and turn them around into a way of art and laughter or positive results instead of harboring it. I'm a happier person for getting angry, and knowing how to let it go. May not happen right away all the time depending on the situation, but it does get handled responsibly.