Surprising Yourself!

Surprising Myself!

SeÁnne December 2014 vs. SeÁnne May 2015

If I had to compare myself from the beginning of the semester to now I would have to say that I have discovered a lot about myself that this semester has revealed to me. 

• I'm really disappointed that I didn't do better by my college career as a film student and transfer to a school that had more of an in-depth film program and I'm paying for it now by having to do outside of school what I feel I am paying LSU to do as far as helping me prepare for a switch from a film makeup artist to a Producer and Creator. But at the same time grateful I took Capstone where I was able to discover this personal truth. This class has helped me more than any class I have ever taken at this University, so if all I walk away with is knowing this class helped stir up a lot of anger I have towards myself for not going after the programs I really wanted when I took all those years off and settling to come back here because it was safe then I'm cool with that because it helped me take more responsibility for the choices I made. I can only grow from here and hopefully one day be the reason another young female wants to attend LSU film program because I will have brought something to this campus in the future that makes it one of the top in Louisiana... which it should have been in the first place. So basically my experience here makes me add another goal to my career goals. Maybe that was apart of God's secret plan for me going here in the first place. 
• This semester I have also learned to stop being so scared to go after my dreams and opportunities when they are presented to me out of fear of loosing security. What I mean by that is, at the beginning of the semester I passed up a LOT of great opportunities to work on major film and tv projects because I was afraid of getting lower grades because I was missing classes and/or work. By the end of this semester I realized... What does it matter if I get a C instead of an A because if I'm doing something to further my dreams then why would I let something a little as a grade or my JOB (not my passion) stop me?! So now, when opportunity knocks... I answer! What's the worst that can happen? I loose the job I hate, and gain my dream job...I think I'll take the risk because if it's meant for me then I can't keep fighting it!

SeÁnne 2000 (Freshman Year) vs. SeÁnne 2015 (Senior Year)

WOW! I am honestly 90% a different woman than I was then when I first started at LSU. As a freshman, I was so excited to be out of my mothers house and be able to eat Pizza Hut everyday and go to the club every Thursday! I always had more than one job, but I didn't have any real direction on where I wanted my career to go except that I wanted to work in entertainment, but no clue in what way. I was so naive when it came to people's intentions towards me and saw good in EVERYONE! I did a lot of volunteering my time and energy to helping others especially those who didn't deserve it! I trusted a lot of the wrong females I considered friends and mad excuses for every guy I dated and treated wrong. I was HORRIBLE with money and time management! NOW... I see fake people a mile away, could care less how many friends I have (strangely I still have a LOT of real friends however, LOL) , but the ones I do have know not to test me because I will confront them right away and let them go! I still have more than one source of income, but they are all in the entertainment industry. I still like pizza but I only eat it once every few months, and I can't stand going to the club anymore unless its for networking purposes. I don't trust anyone until they prove themselves to be worth giving a chance of trust, which also means I show my true colors when meeting people now instead of putting on a fake smile... I give the real me, nice or professional I don't put on fronts to impress. I am realizing who I am and I'm not afraid of someone excepting that, and because of that I'm a lot happier and tend to have a positive reaction from it. No that doesn't mean I walk in a room and judge or frown when not happy, but if I'm asked my opinion... I say it, respectfully. I am much better with finances, but still fixing my past mistakes...almost debit free though (2 years, besides Sallie Mae!). I think the biggest thing that has changed from 2000-Present as far as my college career is I appreciate being able to still achieve my degree despite needing it to succeed in my career. For some reason I am excited to get that piece of paper... that I will place in a frame and throw darts at once I'm done, LOL! But at least I will have it!

SeÁnne Now vs. SeÁnne Now

I think the biggest thing I have discovered is that it's ok to not KNOW! What I mean by that is for most of my life I have stressed about having the dream career, the big house, nice car with 2.5 kids and the man of my dreams. Now I realize that you may not ever obtain the "American Dream" in the conventional sense, and that's ok. I see plenty of my friends who graduated on time, got the dream job, married the "Right Guy", have the kids and all that, and they are MISERABLE! Not because their life isn't great, on paper, but because they realized they never really lived and discovered if they could have had an alternate route and still ended up happy. Me, I have literally lived some of my dreams and some of my nightmares and I'm still here, still living. I now am starting to except life as it comes but still taking chances. In the end all I want is to tell all these stories in my head, and be happy while doing it. I don't know if I'll actually ever walk down the isle to the man of my dreams or live in sin with him forever. Will we have kids of our own or decide to invest our knowledge and love into our nieces and nephews, or adopt?! Will I ever move back to Los Angeles or find a way to be happy in Louisiana or Atlanta, Dallas or NYC...who knows? But I realize that I'm no longer afraid of those possibilities. I do know that with all these uncertainties, my faith has become and continuing to get stronger everyday! And I think that's because I have to trust and believe that God or whatever spiritual being that created us, has a purpose for me and it's bigger than what I can see. I just know I'm not giving up until he says my journey is over...and that's not for a very long time, I'm just getting started and for that I'm excited!

"Get rid of it, PLEASE!"

Get rid of it,  please!

I'm so excited to write my views on this topic because I have a discussion about this very subject at least once a week with some of my friends. I am probably one of the biggest watchers of movies and television : Good ones, bad ones, funny, strange, etc. And my favorite thing to do is to write my commentary on them to either encourage people to go see it or to save them $12! Ok so let me begin with my most disliked type of films and tv shows...

1) The Ignorant Ghetto mentality Black films:

Some of you may not know what I mean by this because it's probably only understood amongst the Black community, but I can pretty much say 90% of Tyler Perry movies would sum this up! You know the movies where there is this "Big Momma" figure who talks loud and carries a gun while walking around threatening all the neighborhood thugs and taken in everybody's unwanted children! Oh! And lets not forget the big cookout that the arrogant drunk Uncle who flirts with all his 2nd cousins or his family members "Fine Friends"! And of course there has to be a huge fight between two jealous sisters or brothers because one has more money than the other and doesn't go broke taking care of the HOOD, so everyone is mad at them for being financially stable! Everyone in the movie is either Loud, a drug dealer, just getting out of jail, has 3 baby daddies or mommas, etc. And then at the end of course everyone is all happy and love each other again because someone put on that old school classic song by  Stevie Wonder or The Electric Slide which brings everyone knows black people are only happy and get along when dancing is involved!... PLEASE!!!! Now don't get me wrong of course the themes come from some real truths to the black culture, BUT it's no where near on that level portrayed in most black films and I'm sick of it! No wonder other cultures and races think of us in a weird light, the way we are represented in the media and on film and tv makes me embarrased. And what's really sad is that it is mostly being produced and promoted by blacks ourselves which is the most disgusting thing of all in my opinion! If I could get rid of the Tyler Perry's of the entertainment world I would! What happened to shows that were a lot more accurate to the life myself and many of the African Americans I know experienced? Shows and movies like "The Cosby Show", "Fresh Prince", "Girlfriends"? Don't get me wrong I love some of the movies based out the "Hood" and the Black Love experience, but the realistic ones like, "Love Jones", "Poetic Justice", "Love and Basketball" ,"Boys in the Hood" or " New Jack City" because they were REAL... those stories were about the struggle to get out of the hood and the trials most African American males really face on a daily basis and the message in the films are legitimate and really mad positive effects in the black community, but some of the crap coming out today is just disgraceful!

2) Wedding Movies

In almost every single movie about a Wedding there is always someone trying to ruin the big day because they are in love with the either the Bride or the groom...WHY?! That's a really bad message to send out into the world that Americans can't have a peaceful marriage because someone is always waiting to prove their undying love! What worries me about that is that how can someone still be so madly in love with someone else's fiancee unless the person getting married was secretly cheating with the person that's chasing them! This to me is such a ridiculous plot line because this just does not happen that often in real life! How do I know?... Because my ex fiancee got married 1 year after we broke up but he was still dating me and I knew NOTHING of the woman he married until a week prior to the wedding! His family didn't know either and we were all shocked, but do you think I went to that court house on a white horse pleding my undying love for the man I dated for 7 years? Hell no! I sent him and his new wife a gift that I paid for with his credit card and kept it moving!...They are now divorced! Ha! So these movies are just dumb to me. 

3) Reality Tv... that's really scripted!

Basically anything with the title "The Real Housewives of..." or "Love and Hip-Hop...", in fact 80% of television today is reality based LIES! We might as well just watch the "Young and the Restless" for all the fluff we get on primetime tv! I don't think I really need to explain why I'm disappointed in shows like these, they speak poorly of themselves and the cast is usually a bunch of has been celebrities or people who never made as an actor or failed to be the next Michael Jackson so this is the next best thing! It's quite sad for the most part but at the same time the people watching it (including myself sometimes because society and social media are bullies and make me, or I'm bored LOL), are looking for a reason to either laugh at the foolishness or live vicariously through the stars of the show. Now I must admit I love documentary based shows like, "Catfish", "NightWatch", "First 48", etc. I really believe those to be real! LOL 

In the end, maybe all my opinions are biased based on my personal experiences or life choices. but I really believe the content of most film and television has gone to hell! I just feel its all going to be fake and unrealistic then it might as all be animated or sci-fi...which is my favorite genre anyway because its the world of fantasy. As far as what LSU has done or is doing to change or add to the problem?... Well I can't answer that question until maybe next season shows. Because as of right now and my experience over the years, I've mostly seen the same boring, repeat of productions that continue to lack real content that would be interesting to anyone outside of the LSU theatre department and anything race related continues to have blacks one degree removed from being fresh off the slave ship. So until I see how they handle the upcoming season, which I am actually excited to see all of the shows (never felt that before), I can't say what they are doing to change but I think they realize it's time. 

Restoration

Restoration

I may sound a little weird with what I'm about to say is my idea of an "Artist Date" but funny enough what sparks my creative side is...people watching! I have always used "People watching" as a way of creating characters and plot lines. I can get ideas from any location I'm in but for the most part I go to the most random places for research, like grocery stores or WALMART! I get a lot of my comedy stories from Walmart because how could you not see the comedy that walks around there, LOL! When I want my romantic stories I tend to go to parks and the movies because the idea of dates or chance meetings happens in those places. But the place I frequent the most is the mall and bookstores, the story concepts are limitless. 

Besides "People watching" I love to do creative child like things such as coloring books or decorate old things in my house with some kind of sparkle or color. I also find that cleaning my house and rearranging furniture really makes me think creatively. But I just love listening to other peoples life stories because it gives me insight to the human psyche, and what makes them tick. Watching and hearing real life happen right in front of me is like watching live film... or theatre. 

So on my Spring break, even though I barely had one with all the school projects and the commercial I booked ( which I'm very grateful for), I have taken a little time to do what sparks my creativity. I will probably have more fun with it this weekend for the French Quarter Fest, because all the normal and not so normal people come out for a the festivities. I look forward to recording and writing new concepts. Oh! One other thing I love to do is sit outside at night and look up into space and imagine what other planets are like and if there is life out there, is there someone just like me who doing the same thing I'm doing or if in some alternate universe the things I dream to do or write are actually being done on another planet...and then I write about that!

P.S. Yes I know I'm weird, but isn't that a requirement for all true artist? LOL

Advice to the future artist

Advice to the Future Artist

I think I'll take a different approach to this open letter than I would if this were to any other profession. I've taken some real time to think about this topic and I think I have finally come to a conclusion on my thoughts about going to College as an artist. In my overall 15 year experience of trying to complete my degree I have really come to the conclusion that as an artist of any kind, especially in this day and age of social media and Internet...school is not a necessary requirement to make it! I know that sounds strange coming from someone who just said they have been trying to graduate for 15 years, but in my opinion its true. Well at least let me say in the sense of a 4 year degree school is not a required way to make it, and for sure not graduate school unless your planning to become a teacher of some sort and even then it may not be required. I look at the people in the industry that I look up to career wise, business wise and lifestyle wise and honestly I think one of them has a degree and they are some of the top players in the industry for the last 20+ years! When I listen to the stories of those I look up to like: Steven Spielberg, Tim Burton, Shonda Rhimes and even Beyonce (not a major fan of hers, but on a business level she's amazing) I listen to what they say really pushed them to where they are now and...it's the work! Never have I heard one of them say it was that class I took in college that made my career. Now I have heard from some of my personal friends who are in the industry that have pretty good careers that what helped them in college was the connections they made, but never a class. In fact most of the actors I know, are still taking classes after college and most of the students in their classes don't have degrees and many without a High School diploma. However, they are in the same auditions and sometimes they lose a role to those who never stepped foot on a college campus. So I guess the question your thinking to ask me is why do I continue to fight for a degree I know has cost me literally thousands of dollars including loans and many sacrificed major opportunities? Well my answer is I don't believe in giving up, and strangely enough I just want to know I did something like the rest of the world and my family doesn't have many degrees. So basically I'm doing it for my ancestors, my parents, my niece who may want a job that has nothing to do with the entertainment world, for my future kids to not have an excuse to at least experience college and maybe even for those who may read this. Your still young and may not truly know what you want to be in life, so what if you do want to be a teacher and help cultivate the next Beyonce or Steven Spielburg...you will need a degree! But if your dream is to be a star and/or create your own films, etc. then honestly a degree isn't required. BUT, that doesn't mean you won't have to have some form of training and take classes or pay someone with the experience to train you! But there are programs out there that you can get on the job training that could possibly take you further in your career than a degree ever could. The one thing I can say that is no different whether you are achieving a degree or a career goal, is the hard work and discipline you must have in order to get to your goals. So I say there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a degree, but do it because you want one for whatever reason even if it's just to know you could achieve it. But as an artist there is NO RULE that says it's required and that you won't achieve your dreams without it because even after the degree you still have to fight to get that role or to book that directing gig and having a certain University on your resume may only get you the interview but it is your talent and hard work that will get you the job! 

Self-worth/ Image

Self- Worth/ Image

This is a great question to ask myself because honestly I'm very confused on my self-worth and image right now. I'm having the hardest time getting me together. I feel like everything going on in my life right now is to please other people. I'm struggling to finish school, because I feel like my family expects me to be that one more step in the right direction for the younger family members and to live out the dreams they didn't complete. I'm staying at a job I'm growing to hate and resent just to keep myself afloat, pay off the last bit of debit from my 20's, until I finish school, and to have a roof over my head, LOL! I just feel like my life right now belongs to my family, M.A.C (my job), LSU, Sallie Mae, and the government. So with that feeling how can one feel as though they have any self-worth, when until the day I graduate, pay off my car note at the end of this year, so that I can quit my job and have more of a safety net financially to go back full force into the film industry... my life and who I am right now belongs to everyone else honestly. Now I know all of this is a choice I am making, but am I really? Or was it instilled in me at a young age to live for everyone else until you pay them back? Image wise I hear from everyone around me just how proud they are of me for waking up everyday at 4:30am to drive to Baton Rouge 5 days a week to go to school, and still working a full time job in New Orleans 5 days a week and still having clients to maintain. My friends and family think I'm superwoman...but all I want to do is scream and cry because I feel like I'm failing at everything!!!! So my image of myself right now isn't too great, and it sucks I feel that way because my common sense tells me that when I make it through this I'm going to be stronger and so much more ahead of the game, I just don't feel it right now. So I put myself on the back burner, I lack sleep to study...well try to study at least, I sit through 3-4 hours of traffic everyday just to still make to work late sometimes, I barely eat because I feel bad spending money I could use towards bills. Honestly if my boyfriend (who is the biggest support system I have right now) wasn't around to try to keep me sane, I probably would have tried to sneak more hours in at work to make more money that I'm missing out on by not doing film right now. Overall I know I should be proud of the sacrifices and struggle I'm going through right now but my image of myself isn't on that level and honestly I just feel behind and don't feel I deserve to put myself first until I graduate. 

Bugs in the Software

Bugs in the Software

This is a weird subject to discuss for me because I believe I have so many bugs that need to be rewired especially when it comes to money. Growing up I was always taught that money is the most important thing to have in order to survive. And no this wasn't something that my parents physically told me per say but more like what I was shown over the years. All I ever heard from family members  growing up was about all the financial issues they had growing up in the south and how you need make sure you have a savings, don't have kids before getting married and owning a home, etc. The funny thing about the advice and examples I was given is that all the people around me had not followed their own advice for the most part. My grandmother on my moms side had 3 jobs until she was in her 60's as a maid for White families and always told us (her grandkids), that she worked that hard so her kids would ever have to work as hard. For her this was just one generational step up from the slave life her mother lived. Now mind you my grandmother was half indian/ black (her mother) and half white/ black (her father, who's father was a slave owner). So my mom and her siblings were forced to work hard at NOT being stereotypical slave mentality African Americans. However what this did was teach those before me is when you come into money...Live it up! So while they were telling us to save your money and prepare for a better future, I watched when members of my family received large amounts of money go out and get all the things they couldn't afford prior to. So I picked up on some of the same bad habits, I was a hard worker and at times kept 2 jobs while in school or sat out to work in order to make more money but I wasn't saving a dime! Not to mention when I first moved to Los Angeles at 20, I got credit cards and shopped most of my trust fund away with in 1 year. Once my bad habits caught up with me and I did want to make the proper changes I couldn't really save anything because I was so in debit that I was only working to pay things off. Well needless to say after of years of working to fix my mistakes I went to the extreme and began believing that I didn't deserve to do anything but work my life away. So I would pay off bills as I could and put saving away and never do anything to entertain myself or have some sort of relief from the stresses of working all the time. It got so bad that my doctor removed me from work because I almost caused myself to have a stroke at the age of 27. It was then that I realized I needed to make some major changes and relax more and continue to save but also have fun and live life. For a few years this worked but now I feel myself getting back to that I have to work to survive mind state again because past mistakes are trying to haunt me again through the fact that someone stole my identity and has caused me to have to pay things back that I never even did. So now I'm in the process of trying not to let this get to me and hopefully not leave school again in order to work 2 full time jobs in order to fix this situation. Even though I know I didn't do anything, I still don't like my name being in bad standing so I feel the need to fix it because according to what I was shown growing up, if you have a negative finacial history then you aren't considered a hard working American and must prove society wrong by fixing it just so you can live the life of leisure...which can sometimes create a repeating cycle. So I almost have a complex of your damned if you do and your damned if you don't!

Short and Sweet

If I had to think about the best time I ever experienced synchronicity I would have to say it was when I met my current boyfriend. For the second half of last year I decided that in 2015 I was going to meet my husband. I began praying everyday, posting pictures of Wedding rings, dream homes, and putting it out in the universe that no man should ask me on a date or anything if they had no intentions on looking for a wife. Before I gave my number out or even entertained any guy, I asked what their 5 year plan was, LOL! The closer it got to the new year I cut out going places that were all about casual dating and started talking more with my married or engaged friends including my sister and her husband along with all their circle of only married or committed relationship couples. I remember on New Years eve I was at dinner with 2 close friends of mine and I was telling them how I was ready to get married or at least start building my relationship with the man I was to marry. So at 12am New Years day I prayed and asked God to either bring the man I am to marry into my life or let me be at peace with being alone for a few more years until He felt it was time. Well strangely enough, 3 days later I decided to go to my brother in laws birthday dinner and stay the whole time even though I knew I ran the risk of being the only single person there. But I wasn't, a friend of my brother in laws walked in and honestly I think it was love at 1st sight! I started acting like a little girl and sneaking pictures of him on my phone. Not to mention I made him sit in front of me because we were the only singles there. Well as we got to talking I discovered we had meet many times but I had never paid attention to him simply because he was my brothers friend. Well because he thought it was funny I didn't remember him he shook my hand and introduced himself to me again and then... my life with him flashed before my eyes! I knew at that moment I had met my husband and I instantly wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I wanted to laugh because this man had been around and right under my nose for almost 8 years! Come to find out later that night after we all wrapped up the birthday events, he admitted to me after asking for my number, that he has had a crush on me for years. And, that when he saw me earlier that night, his life with me flashed before his eyes too and that he had too also prayed on New Years eve for God to reveal his wife to him. I would have thought he was lying at first, but I had never told him my prayers or what I experienced when we met earlier that night yet. The next night on our 1st official date we decided to become a couple and have been together ever since and all of our family and close friends couldn't be happier for us. Mainly my mom and sister because they had been telling me for years to go on a date with him, but I just never noticed him. So i can say this was my moment of synchronicity because I literally put it out there, prayed and within days... God sent me the man I know I'm going to marry and spend the rest of my life with!

Past, Present, and Future

Past, Present and Future

I would like to think I'm going through a "Kriya" experience right now to be honest. I have been with the same company for almost 10 years and I am extremely close to quitting again for a second time. First time was after 5 years, this time may be only after 2 years back full time. The reason I feel it may be time to quit is because lately I get very angry that I have to go to work. So much to the point that over the last two weeks my eye starts twitch when I walk into the building. I have called out twice within the last 3 weeks due to beyond horrible migraines and flu like symptoms. All I want to do while at work is sleep and eat sweets...I don't really like sweets! So lately I've been doing a lot of research on internships in the field I want to go into because I feel more and more each day that if I don't get out soon I'm going to go crazy on either a customer or a co-worker. 

As far as my 80 year old self... I would probably be a funny old lady! I can see myself with long gray hair, maybe dreads, and always in some kind snazzy outfit with a hat. But I can see me running my own companies and always having my grandkids. If I could sit down with my current self, I would probably tell myself to take more risk when it came to my career and stop being a chicken! Also I would tell myself to do better with my fiancees and invest in the stock market. I would probably also tell myself to do a lot more volunteer work with youth wanting to go into the entertainment field. 

Now my 8 year old self would probably yell at me because I'm not as creative and artistically outgoing as I was at that age. I used to practice singing for hours a day and now I barely sing unless it's in the car or I'm alone in my house. I used to sing for anyone and now I am afraid to show my vocal skills to anyone...unless intoxicated, LOL! I would also make my own magazines and sell them to my friends for a quarter! Strangely enough I've always been a business minded and wanted to work in the entertainment industry now that I think about it. So my 8 year old self would probably remind me to have fun and remember to use all my talents and be proud of them. 

Shame

Shame

It's actually taken me a few days to think about this topic. I think I have played more of a guilty role on other people than a shame role. I remember when I was about 5 years old and I told one of my parents friends that I Hated him, because he told me I looked pretty! I have no clue to this day why I told him such a mean thing but I do remember my parents being so Embarrassed by my actions. I know when we got home I got punished and I knew I never tell anyone those words again! 

As I've gotten older though I have easily gotten shamed by my "Free Speech" choices, LOL! But I also been really quick to Guilt my friends for the things they say to others that I feel would hurt someone else's feelings. I guess thats why I've always been known as the "Mother" of all my friends because I'm always trying to correct someone. However, I now do this with my niece who is only 3 and extremely smart. She says things that only older kids or adults would say and I find that my sister (her mother) and I are quick to jump and apologize or be shamed ourselves for the things she says. Her father and my mom on the other hand don't say anything, they just laugh it off. I guess the question is: If we are never shamed or made to feel Guilt about some of our actions as children, would we become better adults who aren't afraid to take risk for what we want out of life?

This is such a weird topic because at the same time, I do feel having some tact about ourselves is something that must be taught and that strangely enough comes from shame or guilt...but I don't feel we should be shamed in our career, religious or relationship choices. I could go on and on about this subject because I think its all in perspective of the person who feels the shame or guilt, if the person who embarrassed you doesn't feel bad for shaming you doesn't it mean that they have excepted who they are and it is really you who is shamed of the choice you made to associate with the person who shamed or guilted you? Maybe my parents were embarrassed because they never thought to teach me before that moment that the word "Hate" was a negative word...because from what I remember the reason I said it wasn't to be mean but was because I heard the kids at school say it all the time and no of them took offense to it. So I wonder if being shamed or guilted into feeling a negative way about words or life choices is a decision we make? I can't lie I don't really allow people these days to shame or guilt me, but the other night my boyfriend said some really embarrassing comments way too loud at a restaurant we were at with a friend and oh was I shamed, but at the same time because I knew he was being funny I laughed...so I think it's a choice once you reach a certain age of knowing the difference. At least for me it is. 

Surviving Crazymakers

Crazymakers

It's hard to say exactly what type of "Crazymakers" one should watch out for in the film industry because you never know who can start as a real friend/ ally then become a crazymaking enemy! I guess I would say the ones to watch out for the most are the ones who when you first meet them, they immediately tell you everyones business or who to watch out for. How you can spot them is they are usually overly nice and always want to ask your life story. Most people who are in the industry to really work and progress tend to keep to themselves and stay out of trouble. It's usually not until you run into the same person/people on sets that you can start to build more of a associate in them than just a business relationship. 

I know it sounds weird and maybe I'm just too conditioned to the stereotypical way things work in the industry. However these rules have worked for me and I have been able to build lasting friendships/ mentorship and great business relationships over the years because I learned this...the hard way, LOL! I was told once by the department head for the television show "Treme", that the ones that hire you remember more of the great job you did before they remember you were friends with everyone and had all the latest gossip. Now the only people I listen to on sets or consider my allies are the ones who keep the "truth" about the snakes off the set and they don't do it a way to be crazymakers but in a way of concern. 

As far as my life outside of my career... well that's a whole other story! I can't say I have the easiest time avoiding "Crazymakers" in my personal life since most are family and close friends. I tend to be the leaning shoulder everyone calls to vent or spread rumors to because I honestly pretend I'm listening or I give good advice. The problem is, I tend to want to be the mediator because I don't like those close to me to hurt or feel like no one cares about their side of the situation. 

However, since taking this class and discussing these type subjects I can see that being apart of situations like this can do more harm to my well-being than help. So I've started to practice making those Crazymakers accountable for their own drama and negative or venting situations. I have way too much going on in my life right now to add other peoples issues to my life at this point. But I can't lie and say that sometimes I do use past situations for story ideas for future show ideas and concepts. So maybe one day all my crazymakers will make me some money! LOL!!!

Constructive Criticism

 There is one time in my life that I  received what I'm still not sure if was constructive or not however it did change my life! In 2003 I was living in Los Angeles as a "Struggling actress" and I needed to take head shots for the tv show I had just been cast on called " The Louie Guzman show" and I asked a friend of mine for suggestions on a photographer. Well once I scheduled my shoot my friend asked me if I had hired a makeup artist to do my different looks for my agents. I laughed at him and said I didn't need one, and that makeup was simple for these type of shots...well he replied, " Um, I'm telling you, you need to hire someone because I'm going to be honest, you don't know what your doing at all with your face!" Of course I rolled my eyes and cursed him out because I was so offended, no man should be telling me who of course didn't really wear makeup to begin with that my really dark brown lipliner with silver lipgloss and gold eyeshadow was wrong! Hahaha! Now mind you this was 2 years before I even started my journey to becoming a makeup artist. But strangely enough what his criticism did, negative or not, was make me go out and learn how to do my own makeup on a professional level so that I never had to feel embarrassed or rejected by someones opinion of me again. I eventually became addicted to learning more levels of makeup and got so good that people started coming to me for advice or to do theres for auditions. Once I moved back to New Orleans in 2004 I went on a job interview at a department store to work in the Men's shoe department and while there the hiring manager offered me my first makeup job because she thought my makeup was so nice. Eventually that lead me to being approached by the company I have now worked for 10 years, M.A.C cosmetics, where the hiring manager recruited me after Katrina in Baton Rouge because she had seen my potential. Ever since I've been working full time as a Professional makeup artist in film and tv as well. But one thing I never do is stop learning. I still take lessons and learn from artist who are further along than I am and I always encourage newer artist to do the same. So when people ask me how I got into makeup I always tell this story because my career that I NEVER thought I would do or considered as a young adult all came from a what I'll say now felt negative but was life changing for me. And what's funny is the friend who made the comments has not only referred me to many people and productions but has also hired me on productions he has produced... talk about a turn of events huh? LOL

If I had to give advice to a new student or anyone for that matter it would be to never let the opinions of others, good or bad, cause you to give up on your dreams. And also to take a step back and look at yourself fully and evaluate if the person who told you something saw something in you that needs to change based on what you portray to be... maybe your walk isn't as good as your talk? Doesn't mean they had the Right to say it to you or in the way they said it, but just make sure the next time they see you that they can't say anything but congratulations! 

Fear!

Fear

Fear is something I face everyday as an artist, especially at the turning point I'm at within my career. I'm soon to be 33 years old, in a committed relationship but technically still single by law, no kids, finishing up my bachelor degree and planning to change my career focus within the next two years!!! I'm not just scared... I'm terrified if you want the truth! Terrified that I've wasted my time going back to school. What if my career takes off as a makeup artist and I never get the chance to focus on the shows and movies I want to produce? What if my producing takes off and the man I plan to marry decides it's too much for him to handle or that having kids is no longer an option with such a busy lifestyle? 

Then there is the other fear I have of SUCCESS! I was called a few weeks ago by my mentor to go work on a film and I turned it down!!! Not because I was afraid of doing the movie, but because I was afraid to call out from work that day! I had been off for 4 days prior to that call and I was afraid If I took the risk of calling out and my job found out I pretended to be sick to go work on a film, I would be fired! The thought of losing my regular job to go to my dream job scared me and thinking about it now, I have no clue as to why? Maybe it's because my dream job is a gamble when it comes to steady pay and until I graduate I need stability to maintain myself. Now mind you, my regular job falls into the category of my dream job of working in the entertainment industry. Only problem is the company I work for is retail based and they could care less about you working on anybodies film or tv show unless they are getting the credit. So me taking the risk of showing up on that set and running into someone who could report back to my job scared me and I turned it down. I guess my question to myself is: If you plan to work outside of this company after graduation and to go back full time in the film/tv industry after graduation... Why not risk it all for your dreams?  

To be honest I don't know what choices I will make in the end of it all, I want the whole pie! I want to graduate next Spring, get married, have a baby, quit my job and stay at home for two years while taking on film projects as a makeup artist until my child is old enough for daycare, and then start producing my first tv project. Is it possible? Absolutely! Is a guarantee to happen in that order if at all? I can't answer that, but I know I'm going to keep working towards it. I've achieved everything I've wanted in my career and life thus far so I figure couldn't hurt striving for the heavens even if I only reach the clouds! 

What's my Relationship with Anger?

Its funny because I was setting up this blog entry I was checking my Instagram page and saw a post from a fellow makeup artist and its a joke that all artist that work for the same company as myself  would only understand but it immediately made me angry thinking about the reason for the post and how it will trigger all the artist I tagged it to. Strangely I am sitting here realizing maybe my anger isn't as much in check as I would like it to be when it comes to certain aspects of my life as I would like. I know over the last 10 years I tend to get angry very easily compared to my turning point in 2004 which is when I never used to show anger prior to that year.

In order for me to explain where the change happened I would have to go back to my childhood. Most of my life I never showed anger because I was never encouraged to, I was always told by my mom to keep your "Mouth shut" and I don't necessarily think she meant it in the way I interpreted as a child when I was chastised for being bad or in the wrong. I think I took it as I don't have the power as a child to express my opinion about my feelings. So for years I bottled all my anger and never said anything, especially when my father died in a work related car accident... I shut down all emotions from the age of 11-23. It caused me to alter the way I thought of my appearance and who I was as a person in this world. Honestly the only time I released any emotions was through performance and my creative outlets. Which is why I think I fell so passionately in love with the entertainment industry as a whole. I was able to take myself out of the equation and become someone else or create a character that lived out my anger or happiness without me actually having to live out the experience of the results from it myself. 

It wasn't until I went to talk with someone about my hidden anger because I almost caused myself to be released from work due to high blood pressure from built up stress. When I finally released all my years of anger, stress, concerns, and even happiness that I was holding back from the world and especially myself... I finally became who I am still working on today. And strangely while I said at the beginning of this post that I get angry easily in certain areas of my life... I'm glad that I do because I now know how to address them head on and turn them around into a way of art and laughter or positive results instead of harboring it. I'm a happier person for getting angry, and knowing how to let it go. May not happen right away all the time depending on the situation, but it does get handled responsibly.